Cor

Last time, an unavoidable trip to the grocery store cut me off before I got to Cor, who has been in some ways the most influential Japanese person in my life.

Cor and I were conversation partners for a year, six years ago, but what is more, we were friends. And although our friendship skirted around becoming something more for nearly that whole year, it never quite developed, but stayed safe, predictable, and ultimately frustrating-- to me, anyway. I am sorry to say I lost quite a bit of sleep and time over-thinking it. If you've read or seen "He's Just Not That Into You," you'll get the idea.

But unlike that movie, where a man either takes center or exits stage left, Cor always remained somewhere on stage. When I left Japan, we kept up e-mailing just about as often as we'd met to wander the various districts of Tokyo, taking in the sights, sampling the food, and speaking Japanese.

I knew that I had no reason to expect anything from Cor romantically, but I still valued our friendship as if it were a major plot-line in the greatest novel I would ever write. So it was with the greatest joy and trepidation that I looked forward to seeing him again when I came to Japan again in 2008 to work-- alas, nowhere near Tokyo. We met, we walked a bit around the city as before, and all seemed right with the world. In a few days' time I would be leaving for Parts Unknown, of course, but I only thought of how easy it would be to come back to Tokyo for visits.

You, being older and wiser, may not be surprised, though you may laugh at me for the icy cold wave of betrayal I felt when Cor chose that time to confide that he was quite fallen in love with a wonderful girl, Cora, who had recently come to stay in Tokyo.

I didn't blow up, I didn't yell, and I didn't cry. I was just terribly polite, and when we finally parted ways I thought, with an avalanche of emotion: I shall never see him again. Now he's going to have a real girlfriend and there will be no room left for a girl like me, neither quite here nor there.

And I was almost as bad as my word. In over two and a half years we probably exchanged less than half a dozen texts, and met very briefly once; possibly twice. That once, Cor found out I was in Tokyo and came at the last minute to see me off at the airport. I was polite, indifferent.

Then at last came this Easter trip.

Only a day before I left, something in me relented and I texted Cor to tell him I'd be in town. He replied right away.

I wasn't happy with the way I'd left our friendship, and if anything was salvageable, I wanted to save it. I was apprehensive, but I knew I'd been acting like a spoiled, selfish brat. As if our friendship were the plot in a story I was writing! The hurt and resentment that should not have lasted for even a night, I allowed to quietly fester on and on, always denying it, always forcing it down if it ever managed to reach the surface. I knew that I had to forgive God, I had to forgive Cor, and I had to let him go.

back from the greatest city on earth

...and as yet, there's no sign of giant spiders having moved into my apartment.

I feel I need to write about this. This trip to Tokyo was different from all my previous trips; from the start I knew that I was going up there to say goodbye. No, no one's died. But it was my last opportunity to take a good chunk of vacation time and spend it slowly, savoring the moments with my dear friends.

The majority of the time- the first week or so, in fact- I spent quietly with the M's, an elderly couple who have become like grandparents to me. In the mornings (more or less) I would jog around a park in the neighborhood, and then take a couple hours after lunch to choreograph and practice the 90-minute aerobic session I've been asked to lead at the end of May. Later in the afternoon I would chat with Mrs. M, read, or study German.

As dull as some people would find such a schedule, it was a real, refreshing rest. I hope that in the weeks and months to come I will be able to return to the memories of this time for strength whenever things get too stressful.

The latter part of the vacation was brimming with activity, beginning with a few hours at the Missionaries of Charity house helping many other volunteers prepare meals for the homeless, and ending with a memorable jaunt through pelting rain and eddying puddles in the streets as I hurried 'home' for a final dinner with Mr. and Mrs. M. In between, I went to some places I'd never been before, like St. Mary Cathedral, Tokyo University, and Yoyogi Park, and to some others that I know well enough: Shinjuku, Soka, and Harajuku. And my friends were good enough to make short video messages with me that I will eventually edit together and burn to dvd.

Dear, sweet Gabrielle (as I'll call her) lives in Tokyo itself. She was the president of the piano circle when I joined it, and her fine fingers can dance through compositions that would make me dizzy long before I reached the end of the first bar. Our first stop was the Cathedral, where one wedding was just ending, and another was about to begin. Gabrielle is also a photography hobbyist, and her sense of framing and graphic composition rarely fail to inspire me. From the Waseda University area we went to wind through the uber-fashionable streets of Ginza, where unfortunately signs warning "no photographs" abound, or else where a pristinely dressed and coiffed shop assistant will approach smiling apologetically, and ask you ever so politely to refrain from taking pictures in the stairwell. Gabrielle has a practical, clerical job at a certain company in the city, but her dream and ambition is to one day manage an art gallery, and we tiptoed through a few of those, too. Although we refreshed ourselves with the best coffee and tiramisu in Ginza (if not all of Tokyo), we were a bit worn out by the time we got to BIC Camera. Still, before we knew it we had spent about three hours inside, looking at lenses, filters, bags, and attachments.

Another friend-- I'll call her Noemi-- took a train out of Ibaraki and difficult repair and recovery work at home to meet me at my closest station. We decided to go over our old stomping grounds at Dokkyo University, and she was a great sport about trekking all over the city as I retraced paths left unwalked for five years in search of memories, in order to formally lay them to rest, and of course to capture it all on camera. It absolutely wouldn't have been the same without her. We didn't spend a lot of time together as students, when she was my senior or senpai in the karate club, but since coming here to work, Noemi has been as true and solid a friend as I could hope to have, miles away. She was there to listen and to talk when I really needed it. And on top of all that she's a strong, smart, and beautiful person. After the trek around memory-city, we forged a new adventure of our own in deciding to visit Tokyo University. As we reached it, as if on cue, the rain began to pour, and so we bought an umbrella at the same Natural Lawson I'd taken some high school girls to last summer, and made our way to the red gate entrance of the University. We laughed, we took pictures, and we found ourselves locked out of a Starbucks with a tray in our (well, Noemi's) hands.

If I don't end here, I won't get to the grocery store before it closes, so, this is all for now.