I'm living with depression. I had it for a long time several years ago-- it lasted about a year. This time it's been on and off (feeling like it's mostly on) for about two years. During this time, I've been saving up my paid time off-- in anticipation of a special business trip, but it was canceled in January. Feeling very much at the end of my rope, I decided to take a whole five days off to recharge.
I envisioned a blissful week full of nothing to do, at the end of which I would be bouncing back to work refreshed and re-motivated. I envisioned spending all those days just reading, eating well, walking, and exercising. These activities tend to get cut when I am busy or stressed, and they tend to be the ones I most think about at night when reflecting on the day.
As it turned out, I did some of them. Though not healthy, I did bake one of my favorite cakes, an orange-lemon and white chocolate loaf cake. I did a little walking. I even walked my way into a Petco to look at the animals. Just seeing animals brings a little warmth to my heart, a smile to my face.
On the sitting quietly side of things, I actually finished one written application I have been agonizing over for months, and then wrote and sent in another application for a weekend job. I think it will be good for me to get out and work around people. I hope I am fortunate enough to get this job.
I read one and a half books: No Time to Spare, collected blog essays by the late Ursula K. Le Guin, and A Monk's Guide to a Clean House and Mind, by Shoukei Matsumoto. Le Guin's book is full of witty and wry observations on a range of subjects, including her tuxedoed pet cat, Pard. While I cannot agree with everything she wrote, the reading was most enjoyable. Especially this: "Fantastic literature, like all the verbal arts, must satisfy the intellectual as well as the aesthetic faculty. Fantasy, odd as it sounds to say so, is a perfectly rational undertaking. As for the charge of escapism, what does escape mean? Escape from real life, responsibility, order, duty, piety, is what the charge implies. But nobody, except the most criminally irresponsible or pitifully incompetent, escapes to jail. The direction of escape is toward freedom. So what is "escapism" an accusation of?"
A Monk's Guide is interesting both as a modern account of aspects of Buddhist monastic life, and as a commentary on the spiritual and cultural significance of cleaning and cleanliness in Japan. Strikingly, Matsumoto says, "If you ever have the chance, observe how monks clean their temple grounds. ... Cleaning is carried out not because there is dirt, but because it's an ascetic practice to cultivate the mind." Cleaning is "a way to eliminate gloom in the mind but, even if you work really hard at sweeping and mopping, it won't really make you feel refreshed if you do it at night. ... Cleaning should be done in the morning. Do it as your very first activity of the day."
Other than that, there were a couple of successful sales in my online shop, which means that my home is becoming freer of things I can't use anymore. I made sure to practice my cello every day, and now bowing is starting to make more sense. That is a small marvel.
I went to church on Ash Wednesday and received the familiar mark on the forehead with the words "Repent and believe in the gospel." (Usually it has been "Remember man, that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return," but the change made me notice and think about the words.)
All in all, then, it was not an unproductive vacation, but I noticed a few days into it that I was not actually relaxing. I just could not allow myself to relax while there were important things to do, things I would be hard-pressed to find time for once I went back to work. This realization turned into its own mini-catastrophe, and then the anxiety spiraled out of control and I couldn't sleep at all one night. It was dispiriting. It is dispiriting, as I have not managed to reset my body clock, or to make the extra effort to be ahead of a deadline that falls in a few days.
And yet here I am. Night has fallen. Work starts with the dawn, ready or not. But I am readier than I was. This week didn't make time stop, and it didn't change me into someone with boundless energy and zest for life. But it was right to take this time. I absolutely recommend it if you are in a similar position.
The reason is simple. If you are dealing with depression (and/or anxiety) every day, the energy you are expending is considerable. It exhausts mind and body. Taking time off with no strings attached (if you can manage it) is a really important thing to do for yourself, to send your conscious and subconscious mind the message that it's okay. You don't have to choose between frantic scurrying and quitting altogether. Even if you kind of fail at relaxing according to your own high standards, give yourself the gift of the opportunity. And give yourself the permission to give and receive that gift again and again.
Yes, I also mean "fail" again and again. But look at it this way: you are never going to fail 100%. Whatever percentage of time you achieve relaxation, or another goal, that time is priceless and indestructible. Keep it in your heart and let it help you. It will teach you something you need to know about yourself. It will shine like a hopeful little candle, giving you enough light to light another.
I wish you courage and peace.
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