Tuesday, September 27, 2011

plans

Tonight on Novus Latium, I have more questions than answers. I'm all right with that, too. Always taking things for granted and cruising along without stopping to wonder why is an unfortunate way to live.

What does it mean to say God has a plan for you? Do you believe it? How do you believe it? Do you believe He has a "Plan" according to which your occupation, spouse, and children are more or less predetermined? Do you believe it's more of a Plan A, Plan B situation, where a less than ideal decision made years ago puts you permanently off the track to the happiest ending? Or might you believe there's no "plan" at all, that God simply allows people to live as we see fit, only intervening in exceptional circumstances for reasons best known to Himself?

Most people have spent some time pondering these questions, I think. No exception myself, the idea in which I've come to find the most comfort follows.

Let's start with the parable of the talents. The rich man doesn't give the servants any instructions; he leaves them the gold and then disappears. In the same way, we all start life with seemingly random assortments of blessings-- in our parents, the neighborhoods and education we grow up with, our natural talents, etc. Likewise, we are for all the world without instruction. Certainly some receive religious or philosophical education, some are trained by ambitious relatives or teachers, and some live by basic instinct. But most people aren't born with an innate sense of their gifts and how best to use them in this world. That "how" is never explained specifically.

In the end the rich man returns, and the servants return his money with whatever they have added to it. Only the third servant has added nothing, saying, 'I knew you for a hard man, reaping where you do not sow, so I buried it in the ground. Here is your money back.'

Multiplying blessings, talents, is part of what makes 'good and faithful servants.' The first two servants did that. And both were rewarded for that, not according to the amount they started or ended with. But the third servant's attitude is all wrong. One can only imagine how his statement made sense in his mind, but burying treasure is much more suited to pirates and robbers than trusted servants. The attitude is one of fearful grasping-- hide this away before anyone sees it-- if the master never returns, then I and I alone can lay claim to the treasure. It is also one of scorn. Perhaps the third servant noticed the others getting more and resented being given the least of all. If this is all he gives me, he doesn't expect much of me. I'll just bury this old bag and take care of my own affairs.

Actually, nothing in the parable suggests that the multiplication must be a doubling. The servant with ten talents might have made only fifteen in the end, and the servant with five might have made twenty, and the servant with one might have made thirty. They didn't. But the first two servants were richly rewarded. The third was thrown outside with nothing.

When I was a kid, before learning what the Church teaches about Hell and how only you can put yourself there, I worried about that third servant. I thought, why couldn't they just teach him how to invest properly and give him another chance?

But I think the servants represent attitudes as much as they model choices and actions. The forward-thinking, forward-looking attitudes of life and growth, mixed with some amount of courage and risk-taking, are praiseworthy. The close-fisted, looking-over-the-shoulder, safety first, grumbling attitude is damnable.

Back to the questions about God's Plan. I think He wants everyone and all things to grow better, more real, more beautiful, and more alive, and to have a grand adventure doing it. Being outside of time, He can see us at every stage of our lives, making every decision and action, simultaneously. It doesn't mean He makes those decisions for us. But He gives us a certain number of "talents" to start with. It's up to us to do something with them. Rather than sitting around, puzzling over the one correct way to 'solve' our life's purpose-- reminiscent of the third servant, who may have been brooding over that sack of gold-- we should be going out of ourselves, sharing what we have, spreading it around, and multiplying goodness, truth, and beauty, all the while trusting in God's love and mercy.

I think God does have a plan for each person: some final shape into which He wants to mold each of our souls. I think the plans are flexible enough that only the most determined and absolute human decisions toward defiance could derail them. I believe God will pick up tool after tool to nudge us into that final shape. Meanwhile, He gives us a great gift in being able to choose, effectually, the color and texture of our life: the places we go, the friends we associate with, the man or woman we marry, all our aspirations and activities. He can, and He does, work on us through every aspect of our lives.

It's easy to think about this at high points like graduations, promotions, birthdays, and retirements. It's a lot harder to remember when you are the lumpy blob of clay, spinning around and around and being pushed and prodded everywhere. Or the block of clay, a bit misshapen, just sitting on a shelf. But as long as you remember to unclench your fists (and your teeth), trust in God, and make it your business to grow and improve something, I don't think you can go far wrong.

a cool jam


A great thing happened tonight, and I remembered to be grateful. Isn't it funny how hard it is to remember that sometimes? Maybe it's only me. But at the top of the list, I know I'm grateful for my lovely friends and family.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

in search of

This past weekend, both my grandmother and great-grandmother were laid to rest after a very surreal week, spent with family, making sure the things that needed to be done were done. I learned something new about myself, too. I don't do well with people are crying at me. Call it heartlessness, lack of empathy, or some latent Nordic reserve, but on the few occasions it happened I found myself feeling helpless and assailed when someone would start crying, just looking at me as if for help. The instinct was to get away, and fast. With my own emotional well dried up, I had nothing in me to answer the relentless fountain welling up from someone else. Thankfully, we all kept it together most of the time.

I knew that my grandma was a regular reader of this blog, and whenever I posted a new photo or entry, I imagined her in the front row. She was a go-getter and a hard worker, and she always had projects going on. But she made time to talk to me, imparting new nuggets of knowledge or advice. The week before she died, I kept opening Skype, hoping to catch her online so I could tell her about my job hunt and see if she had any more advice for me. I tried calling, too, but there was no one to answer the phone since my grandparents were out traveling. So, ultimately, I never was able to tell her about the job hunt, or about my ideas at this point, or about Germany; I wasn't able to hear any last words of advice.

Still, I have a feeling I know what she would have said, anyway. I'll always remember our last conversations-- when I spent a night at her house fresh off the airplane from Japan, and when we Skyped before an interview of mine. She encouraged me to set my sights high and pursue them with confidence and poise. She not only believed, she knew that I would do my best in this transitional stage, and that gives me a powerful bit of motivation even amidst all the grief of losing her.

For both of us, being able to live independently is terribly important. She cautioned me strongly against getting stuck in a too-familiar rut, against putting my life on hold.

So now, when all my job leads have dried up once again and every door seems barred, even though I feel angry and powerless about the situation, I have my grandma's confidence that something great will work out, as long as I'm proactive about it and keep smiling.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

急な出来事

昨日、夕食の用意をしているところに大好きな叔母から電話がありました。でも、声がいつもと違って、とても辛そうでした。速く母か父に電話を渡すように言いました。母は教会に行っていたので、父を昼寝から起こして電話をとってもらいました。叔母は私の祖父から先に聞いたのですが、祖母が亡くなりました。

二人はよく楽しむ旅行をネバダ州でしていたようですが、昨日はシカゴへの帰り日になっていました。祖父は早く起きて、荷物を片付けたりそろったりしてから、祖母を起こそうとしましたが、どうしても起きなかったそうです。

死亡していることが分かったら、近くの施設に預けることにして、何百マイルも走ってシカゴへ帰り始めました。叔母に電話をしたのは、夕方になってホテルに止まってからでした。シカゴに着くのはたぶん火曜日でしょう。帰ったら葬儀の支度をするそうです。

・・・

このおばあちゃんは、チェコの伝統をよく教えてくれたおばあちゃんでした。もちろん、こんなに急に亡くなるとは予想もしませんでした。とても強い人だったので、いつまでも元気に(しかもちょっと頑固に)生きていくようでした。彼女は、女性がまだ大勢に就職していない時代に大学に入って薬剤師になり、同じクラスにいたおじいちゃんと結婚しました。自分たちの薬局を営むために一所懸命働き、母たちもちゃんと育てました。

私が小学生だったころは、薬局を売ってチェーン薬局で働くようになっていたのですが、「働く女性」の姿を見せてくれたのはシェリーばあちゃんでした。いつも綺麗にしていた化粧や、香りの良い(たまに強い)香水など、または珍しいピアスも思い出します。そして、家にいる時間を無駄にせず、いつも何か美味しい料理やお菓子を作っていました。それは彼女の大好きな趣味でした。でもほかにも、先祖のことを調べたり、古い写真をパソコンに入れ込んだり、編み物をしたり、クラスリツェを作ったりしました。

私は日本で留学したり、就職したりしても、いつも応援してくれました。特に今回伊方町にいた3年間、メールのやり取り以外にスカイプでも話しました。「これからの就職活動は心配です」と言うと、必ずいくつかの助言や提案を出してくれました。

一ヶ月ぐらい前に私はアメリカに帰り、派遣生より一泊早く着いたので、一泊祖父母の家でできました。とても短い時間でしたが、何よりも貴重だったのです。あれができて、感謝しています。最後までおばあちゃんは、就活を頑張れ頑張れと応援してくれました。

もしほかに動機がなくなっても、彼女のために頑張ります。
また天国で会えるように祈っています。
今週は特に難しいと思いますが、家族と一緒にいるのは有り難いです。

Monday, September 5, 2011

明日から

明日朝一から就職活動に戻ります。今週こそ進歩しないと!と思っていますが、もちろん私だけの努力でできることではないので、違う活動もするつもりです。まずはお祈り。そして、運動。

家に帰ったら、まるで毎日のように甘いものが台所に置いてあるのにびっくりしました。パイ、カップケーキ、ケーキ、クッキー、プリン・・・ とりあえず太らないように頑張ります!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

survival

It's been quite some time, but I've been, in various ways, digging out from under piles of stuff. I've also been pursuing a number of job opportunities, but so far I haven't succeeded in catching any of them, which is frustrating and preventing me from posting regularly. Still, I've been telling myself (and my mom has been telling me, too) that I'll just find something better.

I suppose it's time to start casting a wider net.

Since, in the US anyway, this is Labor Day weekend, there isn't much I can do to further the job-hunt-- but I will use the time to regroup and rethink versions of my resume. I know that the economy is bad and that many people have been out of work for years now, but I have a feeling that the longer one stays unemployed, the harder it becomes to get employed again. Therefore, now is the time for an energetic and thorough approach.

Meanwhile, I aim to see if I can get any work as a freelance translator. Fitness is still an option, too. I'll have to make myself a timeline and research group ex certification.